I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
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I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly