I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
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You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
My boss was bemoaning the fact that he couldn’t seem to quit smoking.
I said, “Are you’re addicted?”
He said, “Yeah, obviously.”
I said, “Do other people know you’re addicted?”
“Probably everyone knows.”
My coworkers were all struggling not to laugh, because his name is Ted.
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
Business owners’ worst nightmare would be if sign twirlers unionized. Those people excel at holding signs. Their picket lines would be spectacular.
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
Carpe DM
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face