I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
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[my landlord staring at the penguin enclosure] You’re not getting your deposit back
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
Good morning all 👋 have a good one 🙏👌
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
Trying to imagine being the first swimming pool designer to hear a client say “Yes. Like a kidney. Exactly.”
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
Nothing is hungrier than a Roomba that sees a charger cord.
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
That’s commitment
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead