I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
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I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
At Walmart during the holidays like..
How soon into a new relationship should you let her know you’re an idiot
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
How do I get a job writing these texts
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?