I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
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i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
Not now. I’m deglazing.
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
just witnessed a drug deal
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.