I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
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Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
Tonight I will make history!
Turns off incognito mode
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
If I was pregnant and people asked when I was due I would say what do you mean
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
Saw a praying mantis fighting my cat like some kinda warrior. I swear he was even swinging a stick, I don’t know maybe it was his arm.
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok