I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
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falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
It’s beginning to look a lot like “everyone’s manners and driving skills have disappeared” time of year again
My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
The game has officially changed 😎
me, too, girl. me, too.
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
A great tip. #CakeRex
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
earlier I was standing in a queue to get into a show with my producer and she pointed at someone and said, “that’s Gerard Butler” and I sort of did a friendly wave at him, because I didn’t know who Gerard Butler was and I thought he was maybe one of her friends
Blew my mind.
