Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps

For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.

A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.

Me: I have a case of the Mondays.

Lawyer: that’s not a thing.

Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.

Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.

Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.

I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.

“Kids, it’s time to choose, more berries or a bed to sleep in?”

“MORE BERRIES!”

If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him

“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”

(silence)

(silence)

*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”

Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.

[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*

ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful

I saw a TikTok where someone realized the filter for the air purifier they’d been using for months had the plastic on it the whole time

I thought “who could be this dumb?” but decided to check mine just for giggles

And guys you’re not going to believe this but….

Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.

Vin Diesel’s Family Restaurant, now open for breakfast, featuring:

🥞 The Breakfast and the Breakfurious
🍳 2 Eggs 2 Sausages
🥛 xXx-tra Spicy Bloody Mary
🍍 I AM FRUIT

When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt

somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention

*puts nose where it doesn’t belong

*is caught with hand in cookie jar

*loses head

*makes elbow macaroni

*gets fired by funeral home

I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.

[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help

I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did

Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.

[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles

Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*

My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.

Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !

technically true but not a great slogan

I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.

AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!

ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.

AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.