Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.

Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.

P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty

*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*

It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.

I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.

I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.

The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer

Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground

Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware

Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud

i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.

This is the coolest video you will see today.

Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.

[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*

me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!

I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.

Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…

Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?

Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.

Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”

“I’m 59 but have a biological age of 21” sorry if you are 59 your biological age is 59 because you are 59 years old

you’ve destroyed the sanctity of this gazebo you belligerent fool

Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.

On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.

One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous

Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat

Twister 2:

Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.

They work together.

We can’t beat them.

We team up instead

The twisters destroy ISIS.

[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this

I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached

JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.

GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.

911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.

broke down and did it

No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.