Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Leia: I love you.

Han: I know.

[gets frozen in carbonite]

[two years pass]

[gets unfrozen]

Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”

Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?

Human: we are an advanced species

A: how do you travel?

H: we light old dinosaurs on fire

Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter

My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out

It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails

But when it does,
no one is shocked

I’m sorry about your blouse but you really shouldn’t tell people you have cat-like reflexes and think they won’t try and prove it, so again, this one is on you.

Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.

Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.

Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.

GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets

ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.

*violence noises

God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?

Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins

Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”

Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues

Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.

13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.

Me: What were you doing earlier?

13: Resting so I could stay up late.

“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”

Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.

You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up

The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam

7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other

Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?

7: I need $20 and your car keys.

I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.

wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.

date: I like it when guys know what they want in life

me: *megaphone right in her face* ham

‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’

I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.

ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho

The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.

kidnapper: we have your son

my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi

I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.

I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.