Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?

GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks

July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*

August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*

August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*

STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS

So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.

Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.

I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.

Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.

My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!

“You’re acting weird.”

First of all, I’m not acting

On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.

You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.

INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]

My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible

Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.

Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY

Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.

~my new handbag

Working at any office is like “Ok we’re transitioning to Salarya, but payroll is still in Bullfrog—did you see my Noosecock post? Submit your timecard on Fireplayce then jizz me on Smackdog . Do NOT upload to Crackerz without Yammer approval

I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂

Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.

Me in tagged photos

My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.

Sexting:

Him: What do you like in the bedroom?

Me: Sleeping.

Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?

Me: Close the door on your way out.

Him: No, I meant…

Me: Also lock the door.

couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day

The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater

[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult

me: shoot for the moon

astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates

so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised

that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi

Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator

Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.

I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*

🤣

My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.