I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
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A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
Cramming a band’s entire discography hours before a show just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me.
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
Looks at the shower
At least YOU get turned on when I’m naked
What is the HOA going to do about the noisy kids who keep coming in my house and demanding dinner and calling me mom
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
We’ve all been there
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.