I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
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Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months