Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: what’s the house of your dreams?

me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.

wife:

me:

wife:

me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.

If politicians can text my cell phone asking for money I should be able to text them directly with policy suggestions.

Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.

Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.

Me: But not the basement, right?

Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!

Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*

[pregnant with first child]

Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.

[two years later]

Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.

Wife: she’s fine.

When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?

mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?

optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that

Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.

If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go

Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.

[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school

News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.

What do you call an upset reindeer?

Caribou-hoo.

*Ba-dum-tsss

Teens – Slay all day

20s – Rosé all day

30s – Bidet all day

40s – Bengay all day

Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.

My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.

Thanks for following.

Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.

Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.

My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized

This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.

It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase

my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”

My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.

Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking

I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.

An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.

My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine

I come from a family of failed magicians.

I have 2 half sisters