Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m going to the gym now.

Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.

We currently live in a house with one bathroom.

Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.

It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.

You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.

People say I’m an idiot for using superglue instead of bonjela, but I’m sticking to my gums.

I went on a first date with a man who spent the better part of the first hour ruminating about his recent ex

And yes I let him pay for my glass of wine and appetizer because a therapist would have charged double

At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.

I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”

I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.

“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”

You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.

There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.

I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.

Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.

Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.

Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.

Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?

seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else

I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me

My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.

And for that I am infernally grapefruit.

I could never commit gun violence. The only things I know how to reload are my pill caddy and a Pez dispenser.

I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?

i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t

You can make friends in a doctor’s waiting room as long as you have something broken and not something coughing

My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever

why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?

People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”

Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.

Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.

There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today

A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?

An expiration date should be called a spoiler alert.