I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
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The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail