I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
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No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
LAWYER: I would like to call my next witness, Sprinkles the cat.
JUDGE: would Sprinkles the cat please psspsspss
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
Willem Dafoe gets to be in two different Nosferatu movies, whereas the average person doesn’t even get to be in one
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine