I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
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we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
Mick Jagger: “Hey you, get off of my cloud.”
Scotsman: “Hey McCloud, get off of my ewe.”
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*