Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button

–cats

If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.

Just this preview of the story is enough

Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.

If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.

I’m literally crying

You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed

[On a date at a restaurant]

So this is nice huh?

“Yea,uh, who’s that?”

*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*

Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.

If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.

Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”

Delicious if literal: Gravy boat.

I bet i could still be a stuntman

[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]

Okay maybe not

[7 AM at the grocery store]

Me: Wow all the old people are out early.

Me [realizing I am out with them]: Dammit.

Meow

is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?

-first day at work, orientation question

My boss thought these were “little pumpkin somethings” and bit into one.

Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.

Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.

Teacher: Fill out the parent form.

Me: Why?

Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.

Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.

I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.

I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around

Life Hack: Replace your cat’s litter box with an Amazon box. When it’s full just tape it up and put it on your doorstep so someone steals it

You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.

Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you

I might carry a baby with one hand.

Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.

My bro was laid off from his job as an art director for one of the largest high end retail stores in the nation. I mean, totally sucks for him, but with the job is the loss of his 33% discount. I’m sure you can understand that this is a very difficult time of mourning for me.

[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*