Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m so stoked!”

-An excited fireplace

[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?

meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat

5: dad is sixty eighty?

me: wtf

5: is today tomorrow?

me: the hell?

5: Saturday Sunday Monday?

me: hey honey, 5 is broken.

One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.

Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.

The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars

I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.

If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.

Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…

(me as a paramedic)

*rubbing two cymbals together*

Clear!

*slams cymbals together*

WAKE UP!

Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.

When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”

they could’ve used a picture of a brain or something lmao

Delighted to have won the freight contract to help Ukrai… never mind.

I treat the Steam store like the fridge.

I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.

My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with

“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.

0/10 stars, would not recommend.”

– Super Mario Bros. Online review

Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear

6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.

Don’t tempt me kid.

Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.

I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.

[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.

[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go

dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.

Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake

Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back

Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.

As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.

He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.

I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.

My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.

A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.