Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*

Wife: what are you doing

Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”

2017 – Wizard of Oz

[opening credits]

Dorothy: *opens weather app*

[end credits]

Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway

People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-

Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered

Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.

Darth Vader:

[Speed dating]

HER: I’m really into astronomy

ME: the moon follows me when I drive

My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea

you will never catch me dying in a cave or whilst climbing Mount Everest. you know who hasn’t suffered a gruesome death far in the caverns below ground? me, because I’m in my jim-jams, reading

At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.

The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.

‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.

ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…

Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.

My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.

My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning

when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint

I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.

I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.

Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??

I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.

POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!

What’s the magic word?

[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]

Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.

After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.

I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..

I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.

Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :

I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.

I’m a champion of grammar;

A grampion, if you will.

Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.

Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.

Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa

I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?

*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture

Me: Floor Is Lava??

12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it

Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter

Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.

*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*

*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*