I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
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If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
Working in fungus identification is really dull. Every day it’s just say mould, say mould…
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
I bought wings for my employees today and one of them ate 20 wings and then resigned 20 minutes later. Fair play
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
you never know what burdens people are dealing with
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.