Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputy

Things we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and Roll

Things we will do
-Survive
-Rock You

Things we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you

“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?

They should make the last foot of dental floss red so you know when you’re about to run out

*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*

Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*

Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?

3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself

Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”

For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.

Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?

The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.

Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.

It’ll teach them to share, we said.

We are idiots.

I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?

Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.

Climax comes before effort, but only in a dictionary.

Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”

[Job interview]

Employer: please explain the gap on your resume

Me: what…they were hiring

The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.

Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.

It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.

My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!

Business owners’ worst nightmare would be if sign twirlers unionized. Those people excel at holding signs. Their picket lines would be spectacular.

Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.

Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*

Guy: *stunned silence*

-Single Mama on a date

Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”

Me taking notes in a meeting 😅

Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus

My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.

Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me

Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.

STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant

DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…

STICK BUG WIFE: …and?

DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick