Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.

But then refused to use them.

Pros and cons of doing something you love:

Pros: It’s something you love

Cons: Doing.

The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.

Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.

In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.

I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.

Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,

Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”

Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.

*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*

Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.

For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.

Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.

5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?

Me: Ham? Yes

Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.

Denmark has recalled packets of instant Korean ramen for being too spicy. In related news, the United Kingdom has recalled packets of plain instant porridge for the same reason.

talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does

Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.

School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –

born to say “are you fucking stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”

Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.

Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*

Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*

Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.

Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”

People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day

Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore

[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]

Me: ya know you can fly !

Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.

interviewer: questions about the job?

me: how can I get suspended with pay

what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti

if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done

My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.

BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.