Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.

In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint

Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.

Her son is 6 ….

I deal with my problems in the order they were received.

Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.

Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.

Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?

You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?

Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.

3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.

Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”

Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?

-me, as a therapist

When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.

*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*

Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’

Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.

ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?

HER: I asked if you were a “people” person

ME: ohhh…definitely not

mom: everyone has to learn to swim

kid: even jesus?

mom: of course

jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda

I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”

“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.

KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU

ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]

Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem

I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”

14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen

Me: You’re getting so tall!

Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.

Me: …Oh.

Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.

Me:

Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.

Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.

“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.

Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that

If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.

I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”

Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled

House sitting for friends while they’re out of town. Never knew Rob kept a diary.