I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
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1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?