I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
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I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
“Let them fake cake”
Marie Internette
My kid accidentally waved down the ice cream truck, she honestly just wanted to say hello, now she’s eating ice cream, I don’t understand what just happened
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
What to make for dinner: the chicken with the green things they hate, the chicken with the sauce they hate, or the plain chicken they hate?
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.