I like to record the results and statistics of female tennis players.
I do this on a Steffi Graph.
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I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
Every time I tell my lab puppy to “drop it!” I hope it’s going to be a rock or a Hot Wheels car or a piece of mulch and not a whole live frog like it was last week
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
my kid has gone trick-or-treating in the same costume for 3 or 4 years in a row. no attempt to entertain the neighborhood, just punching the clock and taking their candy. 🫡
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.