I like to record the results and statistics of female tennis players.
I do this on a Steffi Graph.
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i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
The French cow says MEUX…
when i said i wanted to be held, i didn’t mean accountable.
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
I’m sorry, but nothing is topping this 😭
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..