I like to record the results and statistics of female tennis players.
I do this on a Steffi Graph.
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So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
My kid, asking the important questions after I told her I’d gone to the PTA meeting this morning, “How did you wear your hair?”
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.