I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
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ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
“The library was closed yesterday.”
“Yes.”
“I tried to call with a question.”
“Sorry for the inconvenience.”
“It was kind of important.”
“Well can I help you with it now?”
“I wanted help yesterday.”
“Well, I’m here now.”
“Okay fine. What’s Harrison Ford’s astrological sign?”
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
I’m calling the cops.
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
I talk a lot of shit for someone who is startled by my own toast popping up while I’m watching it, every. single. time.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
On Tuesday, my husband and I celebrate 19 years of marriage, and I need gift ideas. What do I buy for a man who already has an incredible wife?
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
Kid: I wanna be a teenager
Teenager: I wanna be an adult
Adult: I wanna be asleep
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
CEOs are in danger, we need to put all of them in a submarine until we know it’s safe