I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
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[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
Called in, “If we’re living in a simulation, just simulate that I’m in the office today.”
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
when i was a teenager my dad said “never feel guilty about not working, the rich dont feel guilty about it so why should you?” and it was a cool bit of parenting advice i think
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.