I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
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due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
🍂🕷️🍂
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey