I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
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Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
currently into monogamous friendships. if u have Other friends please dont talk to me it hurts my heart
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
Goat cheese is for herders.