I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
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Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
My flabber has been gasted.
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
Gods work.
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.