I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
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The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
Couldn’t afford a man cave. Had to settle for a gazebro
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs