I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
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Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
I’m soirée for my mispronunciation of French words.
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
💀 😭
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.