I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
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Today on a tram, I told the driver that I loved Puerto Rico and he told me he shot two people who were breaking into his house there after hurricane Maria and left the island to evade charges and why does this stuff happen to me
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
My daughter: Dad, your hair is getting ridiculous. Like, do something about that bald spot.
Me: Why you little … Don’t make me combover there.
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
Frankenstein?
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.