Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs

How did Hitler tie his shoes?

In knotsies.

(The unfollow button is only a click away)

mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro

A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.

A white American
White. American.

Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.

Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.

date: I come from a broken home

bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken

My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”

Come and get your love.

I don’t deliver. Take out only.

After having a week off, my boss returns to work today. please respect my privacy during this difficult time.

In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.

Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS

Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to

Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.

I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom

3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75

Who decided to play Jumanji?

INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what

If you think voting is pointless wait until you hear about writing posts here.

[funeral home]

DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.

Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.

First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.

I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work

I can’t wait!

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔

Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*

There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t

You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.

Dr: What are some of your hobbies?

“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”

Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.