I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
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Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes