@Awesome_Todd

I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.

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@momtribevibe

[being choked to death]

Me: harder

Murderer: wait, what?

Me: again pls

Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here

@MondayPajamas

Watching my dad try to scroll through pictures on my phone is like watching someone trying to pet a bubble.

@mommajessiec

My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.

@ClichedOut

[being murdered]

me: are u Scottish

murderer: yes

me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]

@PinkCamoTO

*planning family vacation*

Me: So what about camping?

Them: We love camping!

Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.

@2friedroomies

Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun

@KalvinMacleod

Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related

@sageboggs

I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now