I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
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[being choked to death]
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
Watching my dad try to scroll through pictures on my phone is like watching someone trying to pet a bubble.
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
me: are u Scottish
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now