Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.

At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.

It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.

Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.

God: please stop screaming.

Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!

God: you aren’t a ghost bear.

Polar Bear: are you sure?

God: that’s just how you look.

Polar Bear: oh. ok.

[Swan flies by]

God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!

My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain

Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.

It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again

When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard

I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.

I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.

– people with the right amount of body parts

Her: is the game almost over?

Me: this is just the first half

Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?

Me: you’re pretty

Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts

[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*

[breaking up yet another fight]

Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?

6-year-old: Because I always win.

INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me

January has been Januweary

Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?

*flashes back to ex

*shudders

Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From

“A little help here, Danny?”

Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…

When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.

Finally

I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.

I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant

Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???

I’m Kodak hut old. So I know a thing or two about humiliation, I had to pick up my own nudes, in person.

Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by

My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:

“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”

We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.

Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?