I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
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start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
there is a guy i see every single time i’m at the gym. morning, night, midday, twice a days, i’m like this is outrageous. today, i’m here & there are two of them. they’re twins lmao it’s all adding up
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*