Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away

[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”

My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.

Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.

My first son he is wonderful

how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy

I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.

“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”

[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”

*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*

“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.

“IT BURNS!”

-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.

My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.

What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.

Me: I’m so into escape rooms I do one every day!
HR: you need to stop referring to our workplace as an escape room.

Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.

Me: I think you mean between you and me.

Her: I don’t mean either now.

i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me

Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean

– me, as a gynecologist

[Medieval Europe]

Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.

Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!

Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier

GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”

UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over

[1st date]

HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency

HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing

ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.

I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.

I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary

mood

A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”

#ProTip

My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.