Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them

Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it

When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie

My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch

roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]

Fancy restaurants be like “This is technically toast, but we put fancy cheese and sprouts on it. That’ll be $30.”

INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?

4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?

Me: Yeah, in a minute

4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer

I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.

Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.

I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense

girl: tough guys are hot

Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*

I have a gauntlet I just never use it

*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*

I love this

Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters

Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s

Emma is smarter than all of us.

just make the entire table out of coaster

Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently

I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.

[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you

HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye

Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.

Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”

Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.

I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”

Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?

So sad. Really.

Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist

Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.

The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.

To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.

me: god I need a break from work

God: [creates pandemic]

me: not like that

Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.