I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
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Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
I am now afraid to click on any celebrity name trending it just keeps getting worse and worse
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
Resteraunts call themselves gastropubs and eateries so they don’t have to spell restarunt.
🥶🥶🐶🐶
