I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
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I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.