I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
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The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
What do you call a lazy crawfish? A slobster.
🤣 I’ve got a million of them.
🤕 Who threw that shoe?
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
The reason I wrap my potato in tinfoil before baking it is so that the government can’t tell what the potato is thinking
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
Did…did a minotaur write this
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.