Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”

Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”

Cop: …

Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.

My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much

[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you

Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”

*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*

Me: “Excellent.”

It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others

Don’t worry, you’ll find the lost scissors when you’ll be searching for your glasses

me: meet my invisible gf

friend: u don’t have to settle for that

me: ok but she’s–

friend: i was talking to her

Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”

I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..

and softly whisper…

“I’ll do your housework for you”

4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.

Me: Oh darn.

*30 seconds later*

4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower

The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.

Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.

Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—

My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us

If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,

I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game

cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town

me: but if you were, what bus would you take

God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?

True statement👍😏😁

[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys

“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve

There’s a man in America who claims he can rob supermarkets using telekinesis.

Food for thought, isn’t it?

Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.

Hey bro pleas stop using all the good skipping rocks at the river

Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.

My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”

I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single

i said it’s my favorite movie, i didn’t say it was good

my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car

Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.