Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Cop flashes headlights behind me]

WIFE: I think he wants you to stop

ME: No I think he wants a street race

[A few minutes later]

ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda

One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.

Interviewer: Describe your current position.

Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.

That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt

– first person to cook a potato

bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!

[everyone freezes]

bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet

My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.

It made walls invisible, too.

I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.

I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.

[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin

[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–

[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…

[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*

If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.

Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world

[20 years later]

Boss: ok lift on three

Me: oh shit

[mall]

Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.

*looks in purse*

*waves at testicles*

Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!

just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.

I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?

*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*

[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg

I know the English colonized the world and all, but it’s hard to take them seriously when they create recipes like “bubble and squeak” and “toad in the hole.”

Doctor: Describe your headache.

Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.

So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?

It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you

<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.

Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.

Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.

When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.

The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!

Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?

Lemming: Just trust me, ok?

[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down

at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭

I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint

Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”