Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.

“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.

Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.

Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.

I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.

Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)

Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.

A woman at the gym is wearing a shirt that says “oh my quad Becky look at those squats”

Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”

Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?

Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.

My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.

Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving

When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.

Househunters, but for birds

Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.

Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops

Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick

8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]

Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.

[many decades later]

Me: Oh no.

My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas

College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.

Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.

I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts

Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.

sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake

Me: You’re not like other girls.

3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*

My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.

getting older means hearing an athlete’s name you haven’t heard in a while and having to google to see if it’s still him playing or if this is his son.

Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?

FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ

Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.

the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”

Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.

*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in

When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.

“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.