I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
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I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
Cashiers are always checking me out
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
Millennials are “quiet breathing” on company time, often inhaling AND exhaling at the office
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.