I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
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I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
Raisins are grape jerky.
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
Actually cracking up @ this
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
My dad was stingy. He was born with a cheap on his shoulder.
One week of daily crunches and I have abs…urdly underestimated how long it will take to see results.
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
I’m ready for another solo vacation across the pond. My wallet however says I’m not ready.
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
Starting all my work emails today with, “to whom it’s about to concern”.
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*