Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence

so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?

… sounds better than tinder

Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.

damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding

Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.

If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.

them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg

me: try harder.

Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.

Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.

Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.

Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.

Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.

Salad was likely invented after someone picked everything they didn’t like out of their meal and put it on a separate plate.

I am never leaving this website

Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.

If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.

Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me

Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality

Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….

Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.

New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!

Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!

*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.

Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake

humans only use 10% of their treadmills

My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”

I’m locking my bedroom door tonight

okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– the one time you misspelled that word in the chat
– how badly you misspelled that word
– god you are so stupid they will literally never let you live that down

I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades

“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease

Empathy: I feel you

Sympathy: I feel for you

Lycanthropy: I feel awoo

My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.

Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.