Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?

8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.

Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.

millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.

Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.

Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist

BRAKING NEWS!!

My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.

My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.

When the app is running smoothly, no one acknowledges the developers. But when it glitches for two seconds, suddenly we’re the most popular guys in the building.

Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?

Lawyer:

Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.

please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”

[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..

ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help

Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for Twitter

Will it be

Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?

Be prepared

Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive

[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now

To clarify:

DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.

DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.

Hope this helps!

Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.

– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?

Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry

Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?

She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick

Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.

I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.

Just to repeat: in a lift.

I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops

everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David

I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.

Me: how much for the seal Dracula

Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus