I like to scan my backyard every hour with a high power flashlight to let my neighbors know I won’t tolerate any weirdness around here
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Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
Buc-ee’s is truly a monstrosity. A convenience store so large it becomes the most inconvenient shopping experience imaginable. Even the name defies convenience. Autocorrect almost begs you not to find one or speak of this Godless temple of man’s excess. 5 stars
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
One day my kids will move out and discover the dishes don’t clean themselves and I feel for them. I really do.
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
No babe, they’re not short jorts, they’re junderwear.
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My therapist after every session
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?