Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up

Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.

“I will cook for you.” I threatened

Okay I try very hard to be respectful of the gentle parenting camp but I laughed out loud at this.

Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.

Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.

Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”

Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”

There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos

Them: Name something you’d like to try in the bedroom

Me: How about a full 8 hours of sleep

I thought a man was in my house.

Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.

This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad

Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!

“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out

I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.

Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.

Calm down shouty man. I didn’t “tell” my toddler to throw chicken nuggets at joggers. She did it herself.

19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’

Me: ‘It’s fine.’

I saw a guy biking in a park pulling his kid in a chariot behind him and I’ve never been more jealous of a toddler in my life.

Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.

I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.

Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time

When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!

I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.

3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.

[on the phone]

ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?

DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis

ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis

Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s

*first date*

Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!

Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!

My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy

I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.

“She’d do the same for me”, he said.

[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky

Ion see the issue