I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
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Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
This is what happens when people grow up without watching Final Destination.
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
termites walking up to the ark: two please
noah: any dietary restrictions?
termite: yeah we only eat woo—
noah:
termite: *noticing sheep* —ool. wool
noah:
termites:
noah: *getting down real close* stay the hell out of my sweaters
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for