Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”

[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]

ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.

French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.

tag yourself

I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”

[interview]

Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?

Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.

No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.

[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]

Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.

Match dot com, but for socks.

Chefs: you eat with your eyes first

Me, eating with my mouth: oh no

Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”

It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans

my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”

Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.

Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked

[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it

I autograph every hotel Bible I find with “Best wishes, JC”.

I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.

I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.

The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me

Yup

what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog

Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.

So much for trying to
be Friends.

Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….

By my second “could we change the subject?” I could feel the job interview going south.

My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again

Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.