I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
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Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
Whoever came up with the name wallpaper really nailed it.
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
hate when dogs are anxious. you don’t even understand the concept of money
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me