I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
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I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
My plans: 2020:
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*