I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
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You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
Urban Dictionary defines Heck:
Where you go if you don’t believe in Gosh.
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school