I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
You Might Also Like
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
wow
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
Same pineapple, same
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
My husband in the next room of our small old house trying to store away the unreasonable bounty he brought home from Costco tonight: “I have made errors. Why did I think we had this much room for pancake mix?”
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
“Wait, let me explain..”
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.