I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
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My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate