Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please bear with my nonsense…

…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.

Person: so, how are we today?

Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks

*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!

Ok now say “coffee”!

People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.

Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes

9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.

Me: [mutes TV] what

9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.

Me: …

9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]

Me. It’s *eucalyptus*

Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage

Grabs intercom:

ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS

What do you call Winnie the pooh’s grandma? PoohNani 🤣

people who separate your hahahas into ha ha ha, whats going on there

In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.

Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.

Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”

The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.

A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground

[office]

ME: I’m back from vacation!

BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!

ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days

If I ever die on some hill, rest assured, something fishy is going on.

*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late

Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”

This is why I can’t stand people.

[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]

*you’re

leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine

me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?

shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good

Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.

since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void

You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken

SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot

ME: Wow

SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion

ME: Ok

SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot

Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.

If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.

My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.

So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this