Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.

Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult

Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”

I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that

Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”

The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.

You can’t cancel our date I just put a new garbage bag over my broken car window

Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?

American Horror Story: Public Restroom

Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’

me: my night terrors are getting worse

therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?

[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]

m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing

CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?

Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.

When it’s my time, I need one of you to promise me you’ll put a motion detector on my headstone that yells out “ouch you’re stepping on my foot,” to anyone who gets close. Please and thank you.

in the ocean

What to make for dinner: the chicken with the green things they hate, the chicken with the sauce they hate, or the plain chicken they hate?

*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*

Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side

Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.

Griddle me this!!

– Batman villain ordering breakfast.

For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.

Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?

Lawyer:

God: [inventing a tiger] ok so this is gonna be a cat who eats frosty cereal

1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.

Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two

Hamburger Hinderer.

Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.

So, just me..

I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.

Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*

Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable

Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.

Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?

Me: Cosmetic.