I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
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[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
Finally got to experience my longtime dream today of getting sent the wrong zoom link for a meeting and entering a different, much more important meeting where everyone stared at their screen in confusion until the person in charge politely asked me who I was
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
*1st day of shooting —Naked and Afraid*
Me: I’m not worried. This will be easy.
Producer: We need to take your shoes—
Me: I quit.
Got banned from all the chemists in my town for calling them pharmas markets.
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.