Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.

I said “temperature’s dropped!” to someone I always pass on my walks and he replied, “I actually thought it was quite warm today”

That is NOT in the script. You’re meant to say “winter’s on the way” or “soon be Christmas” or “nights are drawing in”… something that roughly…

Unsolicited sandwich pics.

[spelling bee]

judge: your word is problematic

me: then maybe give me a different word

[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home

Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope

I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.

<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?

Me: no

I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.

My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.

Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.

If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper

I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.

All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep

Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.

He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”

I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.

There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.

one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh

When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher

Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park

Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.

“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”

My kid: “I love presents.”

I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.

How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!

My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.

What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?

Russian roulette.

[interrogation]

COP: So you play the tuba do ya?

“No, the violin”

COP: Treble maker eh?

All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.