I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
You Might Also Like
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
Investing in beetcoin
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick