I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
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[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit