I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
You Might Also Like
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
crying at my desk while also finding time to cry in the shower makes for a healthy work-life balance
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Two
Three
Four
Tell the people what she wore…
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
*Likes every cat post that comes across my feed
Me: MY GOD why am I only seeing posts about cats
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family