I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
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I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
Try and stop me.
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.