I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
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I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
You think you’re raising your kids right, and then one of them decides to be a fan of your football team’s arch rival.
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
🏙👨🏼
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
Schrödinger’s cookie
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
thank god I have a cat. who else is gonna shit in this box I have
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”