Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Nightclub]

Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY

Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.

hate when you tell a hilarious story and then everyone’s like “omg im so sorry that happened to you?????” like get with the program honey we’re laughing about this

Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.

[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]

How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?

Me: I got the vaccine!

MIL: I’m coming for a visit

Me: I don’t want it anymore!

some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you

*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away

Magician: Pick a card, any car…

Me: Charizard

Magician: no, like a normal card

Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then

My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume

I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.

“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”

-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport

‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]

when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”

[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]

How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?

iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep

*next morning*

iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off

[Getting lucky on the first date]

Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!

I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.

Bidets will go down in the anals of history. There, I said it.

“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”

-anyone on road trips with me

dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven

You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.

Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..

Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it

My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee

How do you tell the gender of an ant?

Put it in water.

If it sinks, girl ant.

If it floats…

My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.

a woman showed up two hours early to the theatre furious because she “didn’t know it was daylight savings” and I said “do you have a smartphone? those change time automatically” and she goes “yes but why would I look at that, I know what time it is” ???? famously you do not