I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
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does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
I’ll be honest. I can’t solve your problems. What I can do is create new, bigger problems that will make your current problems seem quaint by comparison.
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
I hope 100 years from now people will read my tweets and think ‘Wow, she was unwell’
my dad has had enough
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
A potential new client told me I reminded him of his first wife, “but in a good way.”
When we finished the consult and I told him my retainer he said, “I take back what I said about you reminding me of my first wife in a good way. You remind me of my first wife in every way.”
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy