I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
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maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
It must be hard for a vampire to floss their fangs when they can’t see their reflection in a mirror.
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
Risking my life for fun.
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
There are at least two things in this ad that caught my attention
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.