Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.

if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?

My sons having a few friends stay over tonight

Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *check

Hopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while

7yo: Do you use glue to make slime?

Me: Yeah, there’s glue in slime.

*7yo walks off*

Me: *a few minutes later* Wait!

My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.

pet owners be like “this is my pet john but their nicknames are booboo and thicky boy ”

I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.

Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”

Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?

All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.

I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.

him: you’re an perfect 10.

me: omg, thank you!!! you want to go out some time or—

shoe salesman: i meant, your feet, sir.

if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker

I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.

I’m ready to try another planet.

[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]

AND ANOTHER THING

Me: I need to sleep

Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss

Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?

Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL

I didn’t hit him with my car…

I massaged him with my wheels.

Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.

Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too

To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you

A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray

[staff meeting]

“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”

Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone

My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.

Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.

ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?

Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?

🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon

I just had a near sex experience.

My wife flashed before my eyes.