I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
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Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.