Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?

People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.

If You Take a Mom to Target:

If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.

Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.

👇

Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”

Me: “My personal identification number number?”

*he stabs me*

We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.

Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!

I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.

WB: We want you to play the Penguin.
Colin Farrell: OK.
WB: But you’ll have to wear a ton of uncomfortable prosthetics for long periods of time.
Farrell: Sure.

*3 years later*

Farrell: I didn’t sign up for this.

Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.

My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.

Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.

I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.

A Lunch Poem:

Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).

Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.

Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.

Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?

Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN

Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?

Kangaroo: Oh nevermind

Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh

Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.

Me: I am above the law.

nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right

me: totally

nintendo: and you hate working a job

me: so much

nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?

me: will it be cute

nintendo: so cute

me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours

i’d rather hurl myself into an active volcano

-me politely declining dates

Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.

convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”

You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.

[Whoville]

Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks

Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess

Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit

Me: Seems harsh

Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him

Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying

You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears

Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.

I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab

My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.

My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.

CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.

My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.

My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’