Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon

Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.

Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?

“Do you have any children?”

Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”

wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?

“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”

Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.

*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell

Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name

I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.

I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.

My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.

My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.

I think this means he wants me to talk to him.

RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on

Me: 46 and out of shape

Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket

Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce

Her: the what?

Me: the Westminster Shore sauce

Her: are you having a stroke?

Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce

Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-

Me: the Willmington Scone sauce

Her: please, it’s getting worse

Me: the Wank-

I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’

*Lies on the couch*

Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea

Me: ooo I love diarrhea

[Pulled over by cops]

Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!

Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT

I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.

This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.

Another mom asked me if I had found the big L on my kids’ heads yet. I got super offended thinking she was calling my kids losers. It was lice. She was talking about lice.

Cop: why’d you do it?

Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.

Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?

Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.

I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.

I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.

ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.

There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.